Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Hold Me

This songs says it ... it says it all <3

Monday, May 2, 2011

Healing Rain and Fire ...

What a weekend !!!! Busy, long, exhausting ... but on the other end of it, I feel renewed, refreshed, awakened, healed, loved, and ALIVE !!! ( excluding the present moment, as my body seems to be hating me .... )

Let me start by saying that God is good, so good. As of late I have been feeling, hmmm.... I have been feeling "blah" , for a lack of a better word. I feel like I have been going through the motions of things. Being at things and doing things, but not really being there. Does that make sense to you? I could feel things changing inside of me ... less patience, lack of compassion, bad attitude towards things and people .... and trust me when I say that this is NOT me, and people were noticing. And I hate that people noticed, as I like to think that I have my emotions under control and that I can put on my brave face ( more to come on this part ). Either way, I am blessed and grateful that Yahweh has put His people in my life to *lovingly* point these things out to me. I am thankful that, as I try to lead a life of transparency, that I am in fact being somewhat transparent.

I don't like to talk to people about my "issues", as I want to be a blessing to them and not burden them. I am the person people come to when they are in need. and I don't want any part of that to change. But in order for me to be effective and nurturing, there are things I need to do to keep my self spiritually healthy. I am realizing more and more that I NEED to share my heart. even the parts of my heart that I have no desire to talk about. So began my journey of sharing ...

This past weekend, thousands of young people met at the Breslin Center at Michigan State University for Acquire the Fire (ATF). ATF is a spiritual revival. To challenge today's culture to take the love of Christ into the world. To heal the broken. To be healed ourselves, and how to begin that road of healing.I had known of this youth revival since I was 15, but never attended. As a 29 year old youth leader, I was blessed to be apart of it. Hundreds of people were spiritually broken and renewed this last weekend. Some renewed their faith, some came to know my Redeemer for the very first time. There was a point during worship that someone in the stadium just started whaling, and crying ... this deep, soulful cry ... one of brokenness and love. It was a beautiful sound that gave me "goosebumps". I found myself spending so much time just praying for the thousands around me. Praying that God would break down walls, and reveal His truth to there hearts. That the scales would be removed from the eyes and that they would see, TRULY see, what God has in store for them. So that they would hear His song of love for them. But the funniest thing happened. As I was praying for everyone else, I myself started feeling the unfurling inside of me.

I haven't allowed myself to really cry for a few months now. A few tears here and there, "surface" tears, as I like to call them, but no real, hear-felt tears. I have detached myself from so many things so that I *wouldn't* cry, and here I was at an event were the theme was "Collision: Mending the Broken Hearted" .... what was I thinking was going to happen. I had told one of my dear friends on Friday night that I didn't think I was ready to deal with everything that was going to happen that weekend. He put his arm around me, looked me in the eye, and said, "Yes Drey, you can." And he was right. So right.

As I lifted my hands in worship, and prayed, and asked God to completely heal me , He did just that. He sang over me with His love. Yahweh reminded me of His truths. That He had already forgave and forgot, and that He needed me to do the same. That as far as the east is from the west , so far are my sins removed against me. Don't misunderstand what I am saying... I know my Jesus died to save me . I know my God has forgiven me for things in this life. I KNOW all of these things. I KNOW He loves me with an everlasting love, a love that*never* fails. It was all on my end. It was me being my own worst enemy. Not being able to truly forgive myself... and because of that, I was letting Satan have a hold on me. And I was weary of all of that .... bone tired, soul weary.

As the the walls came down, the tears came. And they came. As I tried to hold them back one last time, I started to laugh . A laugh of surrender. Who was I to keep fighting the Risen King ?? So as I laughed, and cried, and cried, I was being healed. The tears were being exchanged for comfort, love, and surrender. And for the first time in my life, I could actually *feel* the arms of my Savior holding me. Call me crazy, but I could actually *feel* Jesus holding me in his arms, and all I could was put my head on His shoulders and let Him love me. I remember thinking, "people may think I am crazy for this, but I don't care." There was a time when people could actually have a conversation with him face to face. A time when all He needed to do was reach out and touch your finger tip, and your life would be forever changed. To say this isn't possible is like trying to fit an ocean in a cup. God is EVERYWHERE and can do ANYTHING, so why couldn't He be at the Breslin Center holding His daughter ? it was something I will never forget, and pray that I can experience that again someday. either way, I know my God is always with me, to the end of time. In every situation. In every moment, and every choice.

I can't continue to put things in a vault and lock them away, and then only deal with them when it is *convenient* for me. This is not what God had intended for our relationship. He wants every part of me, and I need to learn how to share it. Although He knows everything about me without me verbalizing things, He stills wants me to trust him enough, and to love him enough, to bring it to His feet. So .... in my striving to lead a life of love and transparency, I need to to let go. let go of it all.

So begins the the next step ... living. Living without holding back. Experiencing things for the purpose of seeing things the way He would see things. Knowing that through it all, there will be joy and pain. They go hand in hand when You trust the Maker of the stars. Because being refined by fire is a purification process. A process that will certainly bring about discomfort, but also one that will bring about beauty that is beyond comprehension. In case you haven't figured it out yet, my God is in the business of restoration, and I am ready for it. Ready for every step of it .... because wherever He is, I want to be there , too.